Holding space for yourself
Learning to hold space for yourself is a VITAL part of the human experience, and especially when embarking on the healing and spiritual awakening journey.
When you’ve been conditioned to be selfless, to over-give, and people please, to keep everyone around you happy, to stay small and suppress your big emotions, you become a shell of a person. Not really sure who you are, how you feel, so disconnected from yourself and from life. You are disconnected from your own needs and often don’t know what they or or how to ask for them.
And can you ask for what you need or have your needs met if you don’t even know what they are?
All of this often leads to feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation, loneliness and can manifest as physical pain, tension, numbness and disassociation.
You can become stuck in jobs, careers, relationships, friendships, situations and circumstances that are misaligned for you. You end up just going through the motions, not fully living and eventually become exhausted, burned out and fed up.
From a young age, many of us were conditioned to suppress our emotions and expression. We learned it wasn’t safe to express ourselves, to feel our emotions and use our voice.
More and more people everyday find themselves at a point where something NEEDS to change and they begin to seek answers and solutions.
And so the healing journey begins…
My healing journey began about 9 years ago when I had finally had enough of dwelling in the depression and suicidal thoughts. I thought there’s gotta be more to life than this… And that opened up a very different path for me.
I had to start from scratch, I didn’t know anyone who was having the feelings or experiences I was having, I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t have anyone to reach out to or that I felt safe to reach out to.
But by putting out that intention and asking for a higher consciousness to guide me (at the time I didn’t know what I believed in, if there was a god or what.. I just had this blind faith and inner knowing that there was something else out there) I received guidance literally the very next day!!!
I was led to a book store and that was the beginning of my healing journey - over the years I learned of many different truths, ideas, practices, tools, teachings, modalities, and so on..
But when my big emotions arose, I didn’t know how to feel, express or hold space for myself as I navigated the rocky waters.
In the beginning I was on this high, I felt amazing when I found spirituality, but it was fleeting
After about 6 months I crashed and entered the dark night of the soul and I was so confused, lost, disheartened and in deep despair
I began chasing the high I had experienced for that first 6 months, doing my existing practices, trying new ones, reading more books, attending workshops, but nothing worked, I couldn’t get back to those high vibes.
Something must be wrong with me, I thought.
I kept searching and searching… until eventually I gave up and fell off the deep end, I’d get back up only to fall back down, time and time again.
In 2019 it felt like my light went completely out and I was all alone and deeply afraid.
My emotions kept getting bigger and bigger and felt all consuming.
I would numb out and dissociate to cope with the pain.
It’s often when we’re on the brink of transformation that things get so intense and overwhelming and we wanna give up. If we manage to muster up enough strength and courage from within we can make it through and experience profound transformation.
That strength and courage is within you, trust me, it has always been within you but often the conditioned self, the ego, the protective mechanisms freak out and tell you otherwise…
“Give up now! Go back. You don’t have to do this. This isn’t going to work. I can’t do this. Turn back. Drink the wine. Eat the chocolate. Just one episode of that tv series. Start tomorrow. Go back to bed. Stay in the relationship, they’ll change. Stay in the job, there’s nothing else out there. it’s okay, I’m fine. You don’t need to do that program/workshop. Oh that’s too expensive, it probably won’t work anyway…” The list goes on…
There have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up and times where I felt like I really did give up but every time I fell back down.. I GOT BACK UP!!
And you can to.
I’m not an exception. You’re not an exception. We all have it wired within our DNA and energetic make up.
We are designed to heal ourselves, literally.
But we need to learn and practice consistently how to hold space for ourselves, honour and respect ourselves and our needs. This will transform your life and deepen your capacity to heal, grow and evolve physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So what is holding space?
Holding space to me is compassionate listening without judgement.
Really listening.
Many of us don’t know how to really listen, we’re too busy in our overthinking, busy minds.
When someone is talking to you, are you really listening to them or are you thinking of the next thing you’re going to say? Do you interrupt often? Do you forget what they say moments after they’ve said it? Do you struggle to engage in conversation or understand what the other is saying? Do you show interest in what the other is saying or are you waiting for the encounter to be over? Do you tend to judge, criticise, critique, correct others?
This can give you an idea of where you’re at with your listening skills. Chances are if you struggle to listen to someone else you also struggle to really listen to yourself, with compassion and without judgement.
Listening to yourself isn’t just about listening to your thoughts or finding someone to talk to and have them listen.
It’s about listening in a way of observation. Observe your thoughts, the stories you tell yourself, the beliefs you’re attached to, the language you use, the language you don’t use, the words you use and don’t use.. Observe your physical sensations (the language of the body), your body language when you’re alone and with others.
What emotions do you feel regularly? What emotions do you avoid or suppress? What triggers you? What causes you to get frustrated? What causes you to get anxious?
When do you feel really good, open, joyful? What are you passionate about?
Allow some time and space to go through these questions, journaling what comes up if that feels right.
This is how we practice holding space. By noticing what is arising for you throughout your day.
When an emotion arises, allow yourself to feel it and express it. Even if that means you need to leave your current environment and find somewhere you feel safe so you can lean into your emotion. You may find this inconvenient at times, especially if you’re at work, at an event or family gathering which leads people to suppress the emotion until a later time but it can be much harder to tap back into that emotion, so if you’re able to, find space to lean into you emotion when it arises.
If you suppress an emotion, make it a priority to take the time and space for yourself at a later time to lean in and be with that emotion, supporting that emotion to move through.
When you get caught up in negative thinking or thought loops, become curious about what this is revealing to you, what do you need in this moment to support you through this? Maybe you need to connect with a friend, therapist or coach to express the thoughts and get an outside perspective or sometimes just to be held while you navigate the experience.
Having support as you learn to hold space for yourself is incredibly powerful. Whilst this post is about holding space for yourself, this doesn’t mean we never need to be held by others. It’s not about learning to do it all on your own. It’s about learning to tune into yourself, your needs and be there for yourself which includes allowing others in to support you as well.
We all need support, connection and to be held.
An example of holding space for yourself from my own life experience…
One particular day, driving from a retreat I ran in New Zealand to our next location for a workshop, I had an experience with a woman on the retreat that I found incredibly triggering.. funnily enough I don’t remember what the trigger was but I remember how I felt and how I responded.
I felt myself getting caught up in the thought trap, going round and round and round. Thinking about the situation, what happened, what was said over and over again. This caused the feelings and emotions I was experiencing to amplify more and more and I was getting increasingly overwhelmed, agitated, frustrated and angry, not just at the situation but also at myself.
Part of me could see what was going on and was able to observe the experience, step outside of the experience, become witness and hold loving compassionate space. I said to the part of my self that was consumed by the experience “It’s okay to feel this and think these things, I see you’re stuck in this loop and if this is what you gotta do right now, that’s okay, I’ll be here with you through this and when you’re done, I’ll still be here”
I let go of the need to change, force or fix my experience. I let go of control. I surrendered and I affirmed that I was here with myself all the way. I validated the feelings and thoughts by saying to myself, I get it, it’s okay, I’m with you. I didn’t wrong or shame myself. I told myself keep doing your thing, as long as you need, I’m here with you and when you’re done I’ll still be here, I’m not going anywhere.
Many of us struggle with shame and the abandonment wound and we continue to do these things to ourselves, strengthening and deepening the wounds of shame and abandonment.
When you begin to hold space for yourself, you release judgement, you deepen your compassion and you begin to heal those wounds. This is frickin’ life changing… I know this, I’ve experienced it firsthand time and time again.
When you feel like you’ve failed, like you’ve f***ed up, you made all the wrong decisions - why am I in this job, relationship, situation.. if I’m the creator of my reality how could I let this happen? I said I would never be like my mum/dad and here I am acting out in the same way… Whatever it is for you, ask yourself
“How can I have more compassion for myself in this moment?”
“What do I need to support myself through this?”
“Do I need time and space alone or do I need outside support?”
Notice what comes up for you, listen to the answers, if they don’t come straight away that’s okay, they will come through for you and when they do, receive the guidance and follow through on that guidance.
If you’ve got big emotions coming up that you don’t know how to deal with or navigate, seek support, you do not have to do this alone.
As you begin to heal your wounds, you expand your capacity to hold space for yourself, feel your emotions and have more compassion for yourself and others. This is a practice and not a follow these 3 steps and you’re good. It’s not about ticking the box, yep done that, done that, healed that, what’s next..
We are layered beings and you we move through one layer at a time and when things resurface, it’s a deeper layer, it requires deeper space to be held and so as we move through each layer we build our holding space strength, just like building a muscle.
We don’t go the gym for the first time and squat 200KG, we take it one step at a time, maybe starting with bodyweight then adding 5-10kg and then a little more.. with each session we build the muscle and we can lift a little more each time.
This is the same with the healing journey. We don’t dive into our deepest, darkest, most painful experience, trauma, belief or wound and expect it to be healed in one workshops, one healing session, one massage, one coaching session, a 10 minute or even 60 minute meditation.
We show up everyday, even if it’s just 5 mins and we build from there. It’s not about doing the same practice, ritual or structured routine from day one until the end of time but allowing each moment to guide you in what you need. Allow yourself to flow and move with life and with your needs.
Each day is a new day and will require something new.
I love the question that came to me in my first intake of my signature program, The Sacred Art of Loving Yourself, “What do I need in this moment to support myself?”
In the past I would try and force myself to do yoga at the same time everyday for a certain amount of time. I would do the same with meditation, reading, and any other practices I had. I would fit it all into a tightly scheduled calendar and I would rarely follow through with all of it and it would lead me to feel like a failure, and I would have a terrible day, consistently.
In the last couple of years I have learned to release the control and rigidity to allow myself to balance structure and flow.
Each day tuning into what I need that day to support me.
And discerning when I’m falling back into rigid structure or going the opposite scale and being too flowy, airy fairy or doing nothing. Sometimes I can do a lot of one thing and procrastinate on other things. It’s easy to procrastinate and avoid doing what we need and instead do what we want.
When you ask yourself “What do I need to support myself?”, you may not always like the answer, you may say I can’t be bothered, I don’t feel like it, I’ll do it later (and then never do). When the answer comes through, listen to it and follow through!!!
Sometimes the answer may genuinely be “nothing", go lie down and rest your body and mind. Maybe the answer is meditate, and you hate meditation because your mind doesn’t stop, well that’s exactly why you need to meditate.
The reason you give yourself for not doing something is often the reason why you NEED to do it!!
Discernment is a practice. Listening to your needs and meeting your needs is a practice. Holding space is a practice.
The more you practice holding space for yourself, the clearer your answers become, the greater clarity you will have on what your needs are and how to meet them. The greater clarity you will have on who you need in your life as your support system. The more aligned your life will become.