Emotionally triggered by your partner? Here’s what you can do…
It’s crazy how those closest to us, trigger us the most but now… it makes so much sense to me!
For years my partner used to trigger me left, right and centre.. Literally!
I often wondered if he was doing it on purpose and I constantly told him things he needed to do, stop doing and change in order to meet my needs so we could be happy.
But those conversations did not go the way I wanted them to and things continued to play out in a similar fashion 🤦🏻♀️
I honestly felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall!!!
My partner and I were in Oamaru, New Zealand for business and I had this LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!
For most of our time together I had been complaining to him about not being there for me, not supporting me or showing up for me and our relationship.
I would list all the things I was doing, the ways I was showing up and how he was not meeting me half way.
A series of events led me to this this moment in Oamaru where I realised I had been projecting onto him all this time!
For years I wasn't able to show up for myself, support myself and go after my dreams and what I really desired for me and my life.
All the limiting beliefs, wounds, fears, conditioning of my past prevented me from taking the necessary steps to creating the business I wanted, having the relationship I desired and more!
I realised in that moment I wasn't angry at my partner for not being there for me... I was angry at myself.
The thing is when you're experiencing a trigger, it is more than just what is happening in the present moment
Triggers are linked to multiple past experiences and emotions that have been buried and left unresolved.
Triggers are revealing to you something incredibly important and LIFE CHANGING...
And we will be diving into this much deeper on my upcoming webinar, How To Overcome Emotional Triggers In Your Relationship.
Register for my upcoming webinar here
After this light bulb moment, I expressed this realisation to my partner and I felt the reclamation of my power, the integration of past hurts and I connected to a deeper part of myself and my partner
The next day my partner was showing up in ways that I had been desperately wanting for MONTHS!!! Without even having to ask!!!
What you can do now to move through emotional triggers so that you can have a more harmonious, loving relationship where you feel deeply connected and heard by your partner..
When you feel that emotional triggers, the conversation getting heated, that moment before reaction, TAKE A PAUSE!
Catching the moment can be hard at first, often the trigger sweeps you up before you know it and your reacting, shutting down, yelling, crying or however it is expressing..
Often you can feel powerless in the moment and it can lead to shame which keeps you stuck in the same cycle rather than integrating it and moving forwards.
So how do you integrate it…
You must practice catching the trigger. You can do this through self reflection. After a triggering experience take some time to reflect on what triggered you, what was happening in your environment that caused the trigger?
What did you feel in that moment.. Sensations, emotions, thoughts, feelings..
When have you felt those sensations/emotions before? Write down all the experiences that come to mind.
How did you react in those previous experiences, what did you do after the experience?
What is this trigger revealing to you? What could you do differently in that situation?
Self reflection will support you in getting to the deeper layer or root cause of the trigger and through shining your light of awareness you will have the opportunity to heal and integrate the core wound which will have an incredibly powerful ripple effect
You’ll notice that when you get triggered again, it will not be as intense, you’ll be able to stay more present and centred and you will respond very differently.
From this place you can take that pause I mentioned. When you notice the conversation getting heated or emotions rising, whether it’s you getting triggered or your partner.
You can invite the both of you to take a pause, take some time to go away and feel what needs to be felt, express what needs to be expressed and take care of YOU!
There’s nothing you can do or solve with your partner when you’re in a heightened, activated, charged emotional state. Take the pause and come back when you’re both feeling cooler and more grounded and have the space and capacity to speak and listen from your heart.
The next piece is to practice speaking and listening from your heart.
Holding compassionate space and allowing the both of you to be heard. Often in triggered states we’re speaking over one another and trying to get our point across without listening to the other person, no one is being heard so we get louder and louder and more irritated, frustrated and triggered further.
Get a talking stick if you need to and practice speaking one at a time and listening as deeply as you can with presence, compassion and really hear where the other person is coming from. If this is someone you deeply love and want to have an amazing relationship with, don’t you want to hear their side? Where they’re coming from.. How they’re feeling..
If not, then you will struggle to have the deeply connected, loving, intimate, harmonious relationship you say you want.
Perhaps there is something deeper within yourself you need to address first.. This is another topic for another time.
For now I am going to assume you do want to work on your relationship and have a connection where you both feel safe to express and be heard.
So practice!
When one of you has the talking stick, DO NOT INTERRUPT!
This one has always been tough for me so I totally get it if you mess up and butt in.. But go ahead and butt back out my friend, I know it’s hard but it will truly be worth your while.
If you butt in, apologise and come back into present silence and listen to your partner.
If you can’t seem to stop interrupting, take another pause and get curious about what this is revealing to you and then come back together when you’re both ready to try again.
When you are having your heart to heart, refrain from blaming one another for how you’re feeling.
Your feelings are YOUR feelings, take responsibility for them and don’t give that kind of power away!
Acknowledge when your partner acted a certain way or said something it triggered an emotion or reaction.. Maybe they raised their voice and it reminded you of a past abusive relationship or parent figure that created a lot of fear for you in the past and so you didn’t feel safe in that moment and so you got reactive..
Explain what happened for you, what you felt, why you reacted the way you did but not from a place of it’s their fault and therefore they must fix it.
“We create wholeness within ourselves for ourselves and then we come together with our partner in wholeness and CREATE MAGIC!” ~ Monique Carmela
This means, it is solely your responsibility to integrate past wounds, set boundaries and ask for what you need from your partner, to take responsibility for what’s coming up for you in emotionally triggered states but also to acknowledge what is and is NOT okay within your relationship and express those boundaries.
We can’t expect our partners to know our boundaries and needs without us expressing them…
I know right! Super frustrating 😂
This is a process, a journey and we won’t get it “right” overnight.
We must practice our listening skills, communication skills, as well as doing our own internal work, healing past wounds that are actually the root cause of your triggers, not your partner.
When we take a look in the mirror, we are actually in the process of taking back our power and transforming our life.. Your relationship to self comes first and as you heal and strengthen your relationship to self, you will expand your capacity to have a deeper relationship with those around you, including your partner.
To dive deeper into overcoming emotional triggers in your relationship, join me for my upcoming FREE webinar!
How To Overcome Emotional Triggers & Reduce Conflict In Your Relationship So That You Can Re-Ignite The Love, Passion & Intimacy
Join me for this LIVE Webinar on Thursday, 29th June at 6.30-8.30 PM NZST
(There will be a replay available to those who register)
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