Heart-Led Communication in Relationships
The BIGGEST challenge people shared with me that they were having in relationships, the one that showed up the most in one of my questionnaire’s is COMMUNICATION… And so today I bring you an intuitive message and share my own personal experience on Heart-Led Communication.
If we can shift from the stories we are concocting in our heads and lead from our heart, from love, I believe it will DRASTICALLY transform not only your intimate relationship but ALL relationships… First and foremost (as always) with yourself.
I open this conversation on Heart-Led Communication in Relationships with deep compassion.
I am someone who communication has not come easy to. It has been an excruciating journey learning to communicate in all aspects, in all situations, not just with an intimate partner but in all areas of life.
The pain I have experienced in my throat from constriction, holding back my expression, fear on so many levels, is indescribable and truly profound and in a way absolutely magnificent…
Not in the way you might perceive magnificence but when you come to realise that these parts that hold back are your protectors, you realise just how deeply this part of you has been trying to protect you for soooo long, and how strong this protector has become over the years.
We only protect that which is precious and therefore YOU must be so incredibly precious.
Even if the ways of protection make no sense to your present self, they are forms of protection none the less and through understanding your protective mechanisms and protector parts you will drastically shift your perception of your experience and be able to tap into a deeper compassion and understanding within and for yourself.
And so what I mean by this excruciating pattern of contricting my throat, my voice, my expression, is that my protector part had become so incredibly strong in it’s protection, it felt like this HUGE amazing hulk kind of character that had been created from a very young age to protect me and it was going to do everything in it’s power to protect that little girl inside of me.
And for that I am so deeply grateful.
I had been so terrified for so long, I needed that protection but I didn’t understand it and so whilst it was unknowingly creating a sense of safety it was also creating a deep suffering.
From a young age I would freeze up when anyone I didn’t know would speak to me and I thought there was something wrong with me, I would look around and wonder why it was so easy for everyone else but me.
It especially showed up when there was interest in a boy, when I began to date and enter into intimate relationships.
No matter how much I wanted to speak, it just wouldn’t come out and eventually, the spark in the new connection would go out, the relationship would prematurely end and I would find myself alone and depressed, wondering if I was ever going to have my fairytale romance and great love.
When I met my now partner, who I just celebrated 5 years with, I had done a lot of personal work (or so I had thought), what I didn’t realise is that I had done a lot of the work in my head but not fully embodied it and so I was catapulted into a deep initiation of “Time to walk the talk, my friend” and ouch, this was painful.
I am so blessed to have connected with such an epic space holder that he was able to ride the waves with me and hold space through all my inner child tantrums, fears, outbursts, and confusion.
I often say, “I’m surprised we made it through that first year” but I am so grateful that we did. We have been on quite the adventure, many ups and downs, figuring out how to be in a conscious relationship, and now I support others in healing relationship trauma and building deeply connected, harmonious relationships, and how to authentically express themselves.
If you’re resonating with all of this… Definitely come join us this coming Monday for my FREE Live Event, Inner Child Healing & Conscious Relationships >>> Reserve Your Space Here
I receive a lot of feedback on how well I speak and how shocked people are to hear my story of being almost completely mute, choked up and unable to communicate. It has been quite the journey for sure and it’s why I am so passionate about this topic and supporting others… Because I know the pain of not being able to express yourself and have the conversations you deeply desire to have.
The pain of being misunderstood.
The pain of not being heard.
The pain of going round in circles, having the same conversation and getting nowhere.
The pain of going into reactive outburst, fleeing the scene, shutting down, feeling ashamed, blaming and resenting my partner, blaming and resenting myself, feeling there is something wrong with me and I’ll never get through this, I’ll never figure this out.
The pain of feeling my dreams were never going to come true because my lack of ability to express was constantly holding me back in all areas of life…
But…
One step at a time, I got a little closer to achieving my dream of authentically expressing myself, having deep soulful heart-led conversations in relationships, as well as putting myself out into the world and speaking publicly about what I am so deeply passionate about.
And I am here to let you know that your dreams and desires are also so possible!
So where do we begin…
This is such a BIG topic and there are so many elements and layers to explore here and it’s important to know that you are unique with your own unique journey and so the journey to heart-led communication in relationships will be one of self-exploration.
The invitation is to contemplate what I am sharing with you and notice what arises for you.
What resonates, what surfaces within you, insights, questions, ideas, feelings, fears, experiences…
Take the time to journal on what is arising for you as you explore this potent topic.
I opened this conversation with the statement “If we can shift from the stories we are concocting in our heads and lead from our heart, from love, I believe it will DRASTICALLY transform not only your intimate relationship but ALL relationships… First and foremost (as always) with yourself.”
And what I mean by the stories we concoct in our heads is that I believe much of our suffering and the disharmony we are experiencing in our lives and relationships comes from the stories we are creating within our own minds.
These stories feel like the absolute truth and I’m sure we all have a bucket load of evidence to prove that they are true.
But you are a master co-creator of your reality and where focus goes, energy flows.
How long have you been telling yourself this story, how long have you been feeding this story and strengthening it and therefore creating more of it…
This journey to heart-led communication and conscious relationships and having all that you desire will require you to take radical self-responsibility and get brutally honest with yourself. I had to do this myself and it was incredibly challenging but have found incredible liberation, and freedom and all areas of my life have transformed because of it.
So if you’re feeling any level of resistance here, I invite you to be with that part of you that’s resisting (protecting).
The more responsibility you can take for yourself and your life the more personal power you reclaim, the more you can actually do something about your current experience and start creating more of what you actually want.
If you decide to continue playing the victim, that is what you will continue to experience.
There’s no wrong or right here, simply choice.
When I stopped myself in the moment of blaming my partner for not showing up for me, for not supporting me, for not having the conversation, for not following through on what we spoke about in one of our conversations (or arguments) and I took a good hard look at myself and asked the question… Where is this true about me?
Am I really showing up in this relationship?
Do I have both feet in?
Am I being supportive to him? Am I showing up for him?
Am I having the deep conversation or am I fixating on the surface layer crap to avoid what’s really going on, what I am really feeling inside… Another protection…
How deeply am I supporting myself?
How deeply am I showing up for myself?
I realised that much of what I was experiencing in my relationship with Liam was actually a projection, it was showing me unresolved pain, hurts, wounds, beliefs that I held on a much deeper level.
It was showing me the stories that I had created, that I was feeding, that I was playing out and continuing to create for myself and our relationship.
When I was able to meet myself with deep compassion and see this with clarity, I was able to heal these wounds, shift these stories and transform my relationship.
First and foremost with myself and in turn with my partner.
The amazing thing to acknowledge here is that it all starts with you!
You do not have to wait for your partner or anything outside of you to change in order for you to make the change that will completely transform your life and relationships.
You hold the power and always have.
It may not feel that way but I am here to remind you of just how powerful you are.
Take a moment to reflect on what you tend to focus on, what you have been focusing on in your relationship (not only on a conscious level but also an unconscious level) and see how has this impacted your life, what experiences have you been having, how have these stories, beliefs, past experiences been impacting you, your state of being, your mind and your thoughts, and your relationship…
This isn’t a place for blaming yourself, judging, shaming, wronging, criticising.
This is a potent place for self-awareness, deep compassion, reflection, and transformation.
It is through deep compassion, curiosity and reflection that you will take drastic leaps toward heart-led communication and building the deeply connected, harmonious relationships you desire.
This is where you shed the layers, release the patterns, and end these cycles with you, and start new, empowering patterns that not only shift the trajectory of your life but those around you too.
How to have Heart-Led Conversations in your relationship
Take the time to reflect on what I have shared here. Sit with your journal and answer the prompts/questions I have shared in this post.
Get curious about what is currently preventing you from having these conversations but until now…
What do you need in order to feel safe to have these conversations?
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right now, I invite you to open up to curiosity, using the affirmation “I am open to receive the answers”
Sometimes the answers can be (and often are) confronting. As I said, it will take radical self-responsibility and brutal honesty. There are two of you in the relationship with long histories, deep conditioning, belief systems, and experiences that all come into play here.
It’s not just your partner and it’s not just you but it’s up to your partner to do this work for themselves and it’s up to you do it for you.
If you continue to wait for them to make the change, you are continuing to give your power away, waiting and hoping some day something will change but that change has to come from within you. Your partner could change all the things, do all the things, say all the things you desire and if you haven’t dealt with what’s churning within you, it won’t change your experience.
The change has to come from within you.
What do you desire?
Next… Get clear on what it is that you truly desire for yourself and your relationship or the relationships you desire to call in.
So many people focus on what they don’t want, they forget to even consider what it is they do want and often don’t know what they want because they’ve never given it the time of day.
So often, when working with clients, when I invite them to share with me what they want, what they desire they will habitually and instantly go to what they don’t want.
This is important to know to and there’s nothing wrong with this, we can use this information to get the clarity of what we do want.
But so often we are too fixated on what we don’t want we are giving all our energy to that which we do not want and therefore creating more of it.
It is a practice to shift your focus to that which you DO want, that which you do desire.
So take the time now to contemplate what do you really want for yourself, your life, your relationship…
Lead with intention
Before initiating the conversation, whether that be with your partner, mother, friend or anyone, ask yourself what is my desired outcome here, not only for myself but for the other, for the relationship…
Not only what do I want but what will serve and benefit everyone?
How can I create a win-win situation/interaction/conversation?
When working with clients and students on this topic I invite them to get clear on what it is they want from this conversation and beginning the conversation with that, lead with your intention.
For example, if you want to have more connection in your relationship and in order to have the deeper connection you need to resolve an issue with your partner, maybe they said or did something that really hurt/upset you and has caused you to disconnect from them, shut down or feel unsafe you could begin with something like…
“Hey, do you have some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?” (Let them answer, you want them to be in a space where they’re open to having the conversation and can really receive what you have to say)
“I desire to connect with you on such a deep level that it will allow us to be closer, more intimate, more joyful and spark that deep passion I have for you and our relationship but in order to do that I need to share something with you that has been blocking this. Are you open to having that conversation now?”
It’s important to share what has hurt you in a way that’s not blaming or attacking them but from a place of giving them insight into what is going on for you, from a place of supporting them to support you, guiding them on how to be the partner you desire.
Too often we expect our partners to just know, to be able to read our minds, our body language and to have the skills… But can you do this for your partner? Maybe you think you can but have you ever asked them what they want, need, desire from you? Or have you been assuming…
Be open to their perspective, point of view, opinions, ideas, hearing their needs, desires, boundaries, hurts, resentments… This is not just about speaking your truth but also about learning how to hold space and listen to them to.
Your triggers, wounds, hurts, resentments, stories are yours. They are your responsibility.
The beauty of conscious relationships is that we can support one another in the healing and integration process but your partner can not heal the wound for you, change the belief of the story for you, they cannot change your experience, only you can. But they can support you through the process. And this is truly a beautiful, magical experience to share.
And vice versa, you cannot do the work for your partner, you cannot force them, change them, make them be the partner you want, you can support them on their journey if they desire that. You can support them with the changes they desire to make.
But if you constantly projecting and thinking/saying/believing that they need to change something or heal something, you are sending the message that there is something wrong with them, that they’re not good enough and it can send them in the opposite direction.
You may not mean to send this message but it can come across that way and that is the power of sharing your intention, leading with your intention.
Let them know where you are coming from, why this conversation is important, why this need, desire or boundary is important to you.
And ask them if they are able and willing to meet you where you desire to be met, can they meet the need, can they honour the boundary, what would support them to meet the need or honour the boundary.
And do the work to be okay with them saying “no” because they may not be able to meet you.
This is where you need to get clear on what is a non-negotiable and where is there some wiggle room, some room for compromising, they may not be able to give you what you want right now but are they willing to do the work required to meet you?
If they say no and they are not willing to do the work and this is a non-negotiable, can you honour that and honour yourself and part ways?
This is where things can become confronting and scary and will require you to do the work to meet the fears that arise here. This is where you may need external support. I highly recommend working with someone you resonate with, someone that can hold space and support you through this process as it is confronting, it can be scary and painful and having the support is incredibly powerful and essential.
Further support/resources
Check out my recent podcast episode, Heart-Led Communication in Relationships: How to Have Authentic, Heart-Centered Conversations with your partner that Lead to Deeper Connection, on The Good Girl Unleashed Podcast, available on Google, Apple & Spotify.
Join me Monday 8th April for my FREE Live Event, Inner Child Healing & Conscious Relationships >>> Reserve Your Space Here
Got A Question??? Submit your questions to me at info@moniquecarmela.com
