Ending 2022 with a BANG!
In 2021 I was accepted to present a workshop at NZ Spirit Resolution over New Years, due to the craziness that was taking place, the festival was cancelled and my excitement instantly turned to disappointment. I was so excited to present at a festival for the very first time but I also knew that this was part of the journey and I trusted the process and I allowed myself to feel the disappointment.
In 2022 I was applied to the same plus many other festivals after deciding to put together my MASTERPIECE tour - 3 months, 6 festivals and A LOT of workshops around NZ.
I awaited eagerly and once again I was accepted to present at NZ Spirit Resolution Festival. I was stoked!!! 😆🙌
But as it drew closer I found myself becoming depressed and lost in a deep process of unexpected grief that I had no logical understanding for.. it didn’t make sense why I was feeling what I was feeling so I trusted the process and I just felt it.
I’ve learned over the years to let go of the why (the analytical mind), to trust and feel the feels, even when (especially when) they’re hard as f***
This process dragged on and on and on…
Eventually I realised I had actually activated myself within my own masterclass - The Deep - the teachings I shared in that masterclass actually drew out unresolved pain, wounds and limiting beliefs that I had buried deep within..
I thought to myself “Hey! I’m the teacher, this wasn’t meant to happen to me!” 😂😂😂
But it did and with deep humility, acceptance, openness and all the courage I could muster I surrendered to the process and I felt it all as it arose.
After 6 weeks of feelings without understanding the source of my pain, insights began to arise - FRICKIN POWERFUL ONES TO!!!
They flooded in and I softened even more, I felt it even more.
I began to feel liberated and enlightened in my experience.
On the 12th of the 12th, my beautiful baby boy turned 2 years old, it was a magical day followed by 2 weeks of even deeper pain, liberation and connection.
The family caught a bug at the party and we were bed ridden (literally, couldn’t get up) for 5 days and sick for about 2 weeks in total.
As the “bug” began to hit I felt this fluctuating tingling pressure on the back of my heart and I knew it was an activation, it wasn’t just a bug, it wasn’t just an unfortunate sickness, a coincidence… It was part of my process (hint ** everything is part of your process - no exceptions)
I loaded the family into the car and I drove us from Christchurch to Blenheim, knowing that if and when things got worse I wanted to be in my own bed.
But as we drove the body aches increased and driving became increasingly challenging, my energy levels began dropping and my eyes got heavy.
I began feeling nauseous and eventually we had to pull over and my partner drove the rest of the way home.
We made it home safely (you can stop holding your breath now 😂)
But wow! what a mission.
As soon as we got home, we all went straight to bed where we didn’t leave for 5 days other than the essentials 🚽
The first night, I rolled onto the floor, writhing in pain, allowing my body to tremor and shake, releasing all sorts, I didn’t know exactly what at the time (just like in a breathwork journey, often you have no clue exactly what you’re releasing, you’re just allowing the release and trusting the process)
I found a lot of restriction and resistance around expressing vocally which was deeply needed from me, but knowing the in laws were in the other room, I felt too much shame to use my voice (I have done so much work around my voice but there are still more layers 😑😂 the never ending onion it seems, always space for greater expansion 🙌)
I felt the energy getting stuck in my throat and over the coming days I had intense pain in my jaw as if I was clenching even though I was consciously relaxing it), I had pains as if someone was drilling into my temples, third eye and TMJ (jaw joint). I had body aches from head to toe, as if my entire body was contracting beyond its capacity but those few points on my face and head were so frickin’ intense.
I had dizzy spells and felt like I wasn’t really here in the “normal” world.
When the pain began to subside and I was able to move, think and see straight I was still navigating the symptoms of dizziness and low energy to the point I had never experienced before.. I began to receive incredible insights and limiting beliefs dissolving from my being like the infamous “I’m not good enough” we all experience to some degree
The belief came up and it felt like absolute nonsense!!!
It literally made no sense to me and I was like how could I have ever believed that?! It literally makes NO SENSE! 😂
Another powerful experience I had during this time was a deep connection to my son taking place.. I had been feeling like a failure as a mama from the very beginning and it got stronger and stronger..
I stopped breastfeeding about a 3 weeks prior to getting sick and felt tremendous guilt and I also felt this distance between me and theo.
When we were sick I found theo gravitating towards me for comfort in new ways (not just for the boob).
When I was breastfeeding I felt like a walking boob and that’s all I was good for with him, that’s all he wanted (interestingly this shows up in many past intimate relations) this was an opportunity to heal all of that.
When I gave up breastfeeding I felt like I wasn’t going to be needed or loved anymore.
When we were sick, we comforted one another and I had a huge realisation, healing and releasing of those limiting beliefs and wounds that allowed us to have the depth of connection I had been longing for.
Since then I have become closer and close and I find myself getting less triggered, reactive and frustrated as a mama and I’m actually enjoying being a mama more deeply than ever before.
This is an incredible gift.
Getting sick was a painful but incredibly rewarding gift.
Myself and the family were luckily feeling a lot better just in time for our ferry to the north island, on our way to Resolution Fest for New Years.
I had been in this deep healing process for months and felt like I was still in need of hibernation, I wasn’t ready to come out of my cocoon.
But it was time and I couldn’t deny it.
But I no longer felt excited about upcoming workshop at the festival, something I had been looking forward to from over a year.
Instead I felt fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and stubbornness… I didn’t wanna do it.
I got increasingly agitated, reactive and passive aggressive, thinking of all the ways I could get out of it.. Maybe I would just run away, not show up…
I let myself think all the things, feel all the things and take it one step at a time.
Getting curious about why I was no longer excited, perhaps I was still working through the resistance of feeling good, joy, pleasure.. I had only ever known the fantasy, the longing for beautiful things but when I began to receive them I really didn’t know how to receive, how to embrace, how to love.. Feeling good and receiving are two things I have had to learn.
Luckily, I was presenting on the first day.
Leading up to the workshop, we were running late back to our camp after waiting for some food we had ordered.
Trying to guess how much cacao to make.. we ended up going with 15 litres
Getting all the pots on the camp stoves, measuring the cacao, getting all the things
And the gas pipe melts 😱
Quickly turning off the gas and moving our pots over to a friends stove top.
I run off to get to the workshop space 10 mins before we meant to begin the journey..
Getting set up and all the participants settled in the space, anxiously awaiting the cacao…
And phewww there’s liam, running over with a massive pot of cacao.
And BOOM we are ON!
Mic’d up and ready to go with no clue how it’s gonna be received, if people will like it, if they’ll like me…
With over 100 people under the stretch tent we dove in… and all the anxiety, fear, agitation, wanting to run away and hide dissolved - just like that.
A journey that ended 2022 with a BANG!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me and my journey, for everyone who joined me for my ceremony at Resolution Fest. I am so humbled, honoured and grateful for this experience we shared.
🤍
Self-Inquiry Practice
What is happening or has happened in your life that felt like coincidence, inconvenience, unfortunate, unlucky…?
How could that experience been for your highest good? What was it teaching you, showing you?
Is there an emotion you have been resisting feeling now or in the past?
What do you need in order to feel safe and supported to allow yourself to feel this emotion?
By leaning in and feeling it you will experience profound liberation.. No longer are you at the mercy of your emotions, overpowered and controlled by them, you take your power back, you face the darkness and embrace your light, shining brighter than ever before.
And finally….
What if everything was happening FOR you?
What if…?
With all my heart, I celebrate you.
I celebrate that you are here.
You are on the journey.
You. Are. Here.
That takes tremendous courage, strength and resilience.
Keep going my friend.
You’ve got this.